This is going to be a tough post for me to make, but there are some things that need to ‘explained’. Well, I will do my best to talk about a very sensitive and personal topic. I know its something that most shun and ignore, but I have been dealing with it a lot recently and I need to vent. So this is why I want to try to talk about it.
Recently, there has been so much going on that I am finding it difficult to deal with. I know that I am not good with dealing with my personal issues. At times I just don’t know what to do and feel the need to escape from everything. It gets too much for me and that is when I go silent. I know people can’t tell that I have gone silent when playing on-line because it just looks like I am AFK. But during those times I am mostly stuck inside my own head and trying to figure out what to do.
In the past, I did try a few things to help me deal with it all. Its just that right now, I need to write it out to put some things in check.
I know that many people can feel anxious at times and its a normal emotion. But for others, it can something that is very hard to deal with. It can very from person-to-person.
Anxiety disorders form a category of mental health diagnoses that lead to excessive nervousness, fear, apprehension, and worry
These disorders alter how a person processes emotions and behave, also causing physical symptoms. Mild anxiety might be vague and unsettling, while severe anxiety may seriously affect day-to-day living.
In the past, I decided that I needed help on how to deal with some personal issues and it turns out I had mild depression and anxiety. There was a lot of things going on in my life that I kind of just broke down. I try my best to make sure that I don’t reach that low point again. However, not everything goes to plan.
There so many things that set me off, that it would probably be best to just make a really long list. But I will post snippet to give you an idea.
- Too many people talk at once – This could be when people are having a conversation in a public chat or in a room.
- Any negative comment – this is the big one for me as my over-thinking and paranoia kick in.
- Failure to understand something – I know I am not the sharpest tool in the shed and I struggle to learn a lot of things. So its frustrating and it will take a bit of time to work it out. Its the time it takes for me to fully understand something that is the problem.
- Unsure of what to say – its the paranoia for this one too. I start thinking about what to say in reply to something but then start over-thinking and wonder if what I wanted say is good or bad… is it even worth saying? and then by the time I think of something to say, the moment has passed and then I go back to thinking “is it something I can say now…. ??”
- Forgetting something important – again, over-thinking kicks in and self-reflection.
… and so on.
They may not seem like a big deal and its nothing to worry about. But not everyone can think that way. I grew up being very insecure and had a lot difficulties dealing with so many things. I never really noticed that what I was feeling was not healthy. It was/is the only thing I have known. So its hard to see things from a different perspective.
Ok, so I might seem as someone who is very sensitive to everything. I am not saying this happens all the time. Like each time someone says something negative about or to me, it triggers it. That’s not the case, it just happens occasionally. I don’t mind getting criticism, I think its more about how something is worded that can trigger it. Thinking about it, I guess its down to how I perceive their comment, which is the reason for my inner conflict.
I really want to emphasise that the following is me talking about how I feel inside and showing my point of view. This is not an attack at people. Its only that I find it hard to explain myself and writing down my thoughts as they come helps me.
During the spring vacation I was personally on a wave of emotions. There were so many things happening that I wasn’t keeping my emotions in check and a few weeks ago, I cracked. I was overwhelmed by a lot of things…
I was feeling disjointed with my friends. I had been talking to a friend who I hadn’t talk to in a while and started to think I had been a horrible friend to them because I haven’t seem them in so long. I hadn’t even contacted them for a long time because I was distracted. I am not talking about only my friends in Japan, but from back home. I wondered if it was selfish of me remaining in a far away country and they must have forgotten about me. I hope I can make it up to them next time I go back home.
There was so many situations going on in other peoples lives that I felt like a broken record and just repeating things over and over again. I feel like all of the right words of support had evaded me. Instead, I get annoyed that they keep asking for my help when I have tried but it didn’t seem to be working. I started to feel a little hate for them and then I hated myself for starting to hate them, and thus the vicious cycle started. This really boils down to being unsure of what to say during the right moment. I want to help, but I feel there is nothing more I can do and its a little frustrating. I do want to help my friends, maybe I have finally reached my limit and have no more words of wisdom to give them.
Oath has some new members, which is great to see the numbers increase. I really am happy for Oath. The stupid thing is, I am having trouble communicating. To some it might seem like a trivial thing. But I really would like to them more. Its when I think there is a clique, I feel a little unwanted and a little ostracised. This has nothing to do with them at all. Its just previous experiences plague me (I hope that is a suitable phrase to use). In a previous FC, I was actually ostracised because of the language barrier and I never really felt like an FC member, so I left. I don’t feel this way in Oath, I guess it will just to relax and try not worry so much.
However, on a more personally note. I feel so bad for this and it is really troubling me. 27th March was my older brother’s Birthday, my uncles Birthday and sadly the anniversary of my Grandmother’s death. The anniversary had completely slipped my mind and I didn’t notice until my mother had said something. I seriously loathed myself for forgetting. My Grandmother was a big part of my life and I did my best to support my mother who was her carer for many years. How could I forget about something so important and continue with my life as if nothing was wrong. I truly hate myself for it.
To top off all that was going on in my life, I started working at a new school. Nothing kicks the nerves off like starting in a place of work and the anticipation of teaching new students. It doesn’t help that in Japan, teachers will change schools after a few years, most change every 5 years. I have no control over change schools, I go where my company sends me, its still hard to deal with.
Another thing I have been struggling with is trying to clear O12S. Not being able to get a Full Party sucks. I don’t know if that is because I am an English player or just because no one wants to go to Omega savage. At the weekend, I waited a long time and gave up after a few hours. I know that the language barrier is a huge problem. Its also not something that anyone has control over. I know that most want to try to help and try to talk in English. I hate not fully understanding people during Savage raids, but I feel like I am slowly getting better. I just wish people would be patient with me. I really do want to practice talking in Japanese, solely because not being communicate well is so annoying. Its not like I can take my time either to work it out because of the time limit in Savage raiding. but I will do my best.
If there is one thing I have learnt about living in Japan, its that they fail to accept certain disorders, especially mental disorders. So I just want to make more people aware. I deal with things differently to others and this post should give you an idea as to how some people see things. The worse thing you can do, is start treating me differently. I only want to explain why I suddenly go quiet or just log off without warning. I need time to sort things out in my own way. So please bare with me and treat me like you usually do.
I am sorry if this post has offended people, I only wanted to get some things off my chest.